Rough Days..?

Ever have those reaaalllyyy bad days where nothing seems to be going right, and you keep praying to god asking "WHY ME?!" I know there is a reason for everything but god can you please show me now instead of waiting days/months/years... Fighting and realizing alcohol makes relationships go south, realizing your NOT as pretty as the girls on the Internet, or finally having it set in that i will NEVER see my grandma alive because shes in a coma in Maryland :(

I'm not as pretty as these girls...

 I don't have a perfect face or makeup...

 Perfect hair? FAR from it..

 Do i seriously need to dress like a slut to make me feel better?

 The only way to get a flat stomach like this for me is to stop eating. completely.

....

I miss my grandma :(

<3

I miss having a good relationship with my boyfriend.

God made me perfect? But somehow my feelings about myself over weigh his.. and I'm not sure how to change that.

Ever Feel Weak?

I've been feeling very weak these past few days...
I'm not sure what it is..
Is it cause I'm not eating? Is it cause I'm trying to rebel & NOT eat?
Well whatever the reason is, i can't take it.

I was just reading my best friends blog and i was in tears. I'm so glad i have this blog to share my feelings 100%. It's my life saver.

But while i was reading it, i could tell she was struggling. Clearly. I knew she was and she needs help but she's not going to listen to me so whats the point. Right?

Well now i feel like a horrible friend. I should have spoke up before she got this bad.

Its all my fault.

Isn't god suppose to help those in need? :(

"He gives power to the weak, and strength to the powerless." -Isaiah 40:29

But i don't see that happening at all.

I feel like i can't bring up my own problems to my best friend..

I'm tired of crying

I'm tired of yelling

I'm tired of feeling sad

I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of being alone

I'm tired of being angry

I'm tired of feeling crazy

I'm tired of feeling stuck

I'm tired of needing help

I'm tired of being different

I'm tired of feeling worthless

I'm tired of feeling empty inside

I'm tired of not being able to just let go

I'm tired of dreaming of a life i will never have.

My Favorite..

Soo, for all my "ED" friends out there that are struggling right now i just wanted to share the things that go me though my touch times (:

I just love finding these awesome quotes in the bible.

Don't EVER give up. God is with you the whole way to recovery.. (:



Please (:

PLEASE.

Know that you are beautiful..

Hear me when i say that I [believe] in you

 Trust me when i tell you it will get better

Keep hoping that tomorrow will be better

Don't regret the struggles that have made you stronger

Always remember that you are never alone

Put a smile [:)] on that gorgeous face. :D

Don't underestimate your ability.

Believe that you can do this.

Love yourself

Don't ever, ever, EVER give up 

Do You...

Do you ever feel like breaking down?

Do you ever feel out of place?

Like somehow you just don't belong.

& No one understands you.

Do you ever want to run away?

Do you lock yourself in your room?

With the radio turned up so loud

That no one hears you screaming.

Welcome To My Life 

Day 21: A Picture of Something You Wish You Could Forget

I'm not going to lie.. This question had me thinking. I was stumped.

I had a few things in mind...

 I wish i could forget all the mean and hurtful things girls have said to me..

 I wish i could forget certain people in my life...

But then again. All this stuff made me stronger & has made me who i am today.

Everything happens for a reason & if certain things never happened then i don't know where i would be.

My mind wants me to forget all this stuff..

...But my heart is saying that you are the strong person you are because of this!

No Self Esteem.. Ever

One of the first things i wrote about on my blog was basically my whole life story.

Its kind of overwhelming for me [or anyone for that matter] to read it.

But in there i talk about self esteem.. and my body image issues.

Ever since i was in 5th grade i remember feeling not pretty enough.

I was never the part of the "kewl girls" or anything.

Which really bothered me.

I went to a school that was very small.

All the moms knew each other and they all had there little cliques.

All the cool girls moms talked & all the not cool girls moms talked.

It was super annoying and i HATED it.

I would always pray to god to make me prettier & let me be friends with the cool girls.

I wanted so badly to fit in.

Being a girl is hard.. They are so judgemental, mean, cruel, and flat out bitches.

Excuse my language but I'm a little irritated right now.

Don't get me wrong, not all girls are mean. Obviously. But the ones i went to school with were.

Each year i would walk into the school and think "okay god is going to make this my year. I'm going to be one of the pretty girls"

But.. I never got that. Or so i thought..

I was reading the bible when i saw this passage.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

—1 Samuel 16:7

I think i have posted this bible verse on another one of my posts, but it is my favorite from the bible.

This verse is so powerful. I shouldn't care what other people think about me.

God LOVES me for me and that is all that matters.

To this day [like many other teenagers] i have issues with not being as pretty as someone else.

But then i look at this verse and think how silly i am and almost selfish that gods acceptance for me isn't enough? Whyy do we worry so much about other people?

What has our media done to us?

Day 18: A Picture of Your Biggest Insecurity

I think we all know what my biggest insecurity is..

...My body </3

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're taking seems all uphill,

When you're feeling low and the stress is high...

and you want to smile but you have to sigh,

When worries are getting you down a bit,

By all means pray and don't you quit,

Success is failure turned inside out,

God's hidden gift in the clouds of doubt,

You never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So trust in the lord when you're hardest hit...

Its when things go wrong that you must not quit!

I Was made To Be Courageous

Whenever i'm really down with my eating disorder i start to think.. "wow god gave me this disorder..why god..why?" I honestly dont know why i think that way.. maybe its just me acting in the moment?
But i know that it was my choice to rely on what other poeple say about me to make me happy..
The only thing god gave me was the courage to get through it
&&
he promised me that he would be there for me the entire way and that he loves me for me,
not what other people say about me

guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:5)

 Every.Single.Day
this is how i see my body.. & this is what i think
Some people asky.. "what made you think this way?" and "How can you be so cruel to your body that god gave you?"
Thats a really good question..
Its mostly just not being secure with who you are. & depending on what one person said about you..
Once your relationship with god weakens i feel that the devil almost distracts you telling you to destroy it
its an addiction.. like drugs
its not an easy fix
but then i hear..
"your relationship with god is good now so the eating disorder should go away right?"
well no.. i really wish it was that easy.
but each day i can feel god helping me get through breakfast.Lunch.Dinner
& each time it gets a little easier to eat

fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him. (Exodus 15:2)

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13  )

But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion’s mouth. (2 Timothy 4:17)

The LORD is my light and my salvation;    whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life;  of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1) 

Day 9: A Picture of A Person That Has Gotten You Through The Most

This one wasnt hard at all! My best friend leah is the one that has gotten me through the most.

God brought us together somehow, knowing we both were having a hard time with our eating disorder and knew that we would be stronger together. She knows how to take my mind off something that makes me sad and every day with her is an new adventure! 

i love you leah nicole sherman

My Daily Struggle

How is it that those closest to me
seem to understand the least.

These people i love so much
cannot seem to see my fight,
understand my reality.

They are naive,
Naive to the disorder, the facts
and the presence of it in their lives.

Comments stream from their mouths,
like water from a faucet.
A constant flow until the know is turned.
Only then do they hush, but never stop to understand why.

This is real, its my life and my struggle.
Its seems so easy to them.
Fix it quickly and quietly.
If only it were that simple,
Do you thik i would have missed out on that?
That i want this?

Recognize this, see it in the someone you know
Do not pretend it will go away.

Only in the fighting will it get better